Fat

I am fat and it is stopping me from breathing in the most important space. Ditto.

Year End Pine

Pine is the word of the year. There was hardly a moment where I stopped pining. It was glorious and beautiful. Even in my drunkest moment in Samui I could gather enough senses to release two hot air balloons on Christmas night to make two similar wishes: that I'd wish the best for myself with the one I pined for close to three years, the longest I've pined for anyone regardless of reasons. The more I pine, the greater the distance I have to cover. Is that true or is it just a skewed vision of mine that has been damaged by intolerance for myself thus leading to the decreasing size of the girl I long to affect? I wish I could get myself out of this.

It is so weird to be pining alone and yet be so happy. Perhaps that is how much I see in her. To simply know someone as beautiful and extremely colorful as she can be does exist. I wish I could express to her how I truly feel with all the exact colours she carries around on her shoulders. I wish I could. As the year is ending, I concede defeat and wrap a white flag around my body. If I could release another hot air balloon to make a wish...

I wish that we'd somehow cross paths and allow the birth of sense of opportunity for me to tell her the strength of my heart. If we'd never meant to breathe each other's neck at nights, then I hope the beauty that will replace her is almost as uncanny as it can be. Ultimately, I just want to be able to retreat to an island such as Koh Samui with her and pamper her with all the love the skies and the sea merges to come up with the simplest form of beauty.

Amen. Please.

Band

Being in Moochie Mac is extremely hurtful, I figured. I know, however, for sure it is just a phase that I'd eventually get out of as soon as the band gels and when I am good enough to be significant in the band. Honestly, I have no faith in it. I am far more excited about my collab with Amanda and David more than anything else. I have strong reservations over each member's motive in playing music. Are they really playing for the joy of creating and playing music or simply for business sake?

What he said was true, learning music should not be stressful. When it becomes so, it is because you are learning to chase something and you forget the whole point of developing genuinely and you miss the chance to bond with your mates beyond the musical aspect.

I am never a 'Yes' man and I don't like to be told what to do but I appreciate learning and sharing. Listening to Summer Space makes me sick in the guts and showed me how separated I am from the entire music making process. So is Superfriends all about "time waits for no man"? Everything is extremely rushy and leaves no space for learning and development.

I am glad I will be away for two weeks. Being away from it will prevent me from developing hatred for the band becus I am positive when I get back I will walk out on this and sit back with a patient musician who has nothing to rush for and learn and develop.

Skies and The Songs

It is a beautiful rainy sunday, the warmest and loveliest I have witnessed in many months and the open space of the floor to just lie down and listen to the most beautiful tune there is over and over again and not care what is outside of the living room. It amplifies my love for the darker side of love and placing myself next to the colours of psychedelia. If there ever comes a day where I'd be left alone in this world, I'd beg Him to place me here in my living room with the windows detached and the rain painting the gentleness of the scene and my favorite warmest tune looping in my mind.

What would I be without this privilege of space and time to dive so deep into the beauty of art and the surroundings? What would I be if I ever lose my family members and close friends and had nothing to keep me alive? It makes me scared if I ever lose this ability to see the colors of beauty and to listen to the sounds of the skies and be as alive as I can be.

And the theme of beauty and the blue skies will recur as long as I'm alive and when I serve no more physical purpose to the world I want to be buried in the skies.


What I need is a heaven
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
A place to go where I can really be
Where I can really be.

-johnfrusciante-